Monday, November 29, 2010
A Day of Remembering - November 29
9 years ago today, we found out that the little one we were expecting had gone to be with Jesus. This was absolutely the most devastating day of my life. It was a surprise pregnancy, but we were so excited!! A couple weeks later, I started bleeding, but it was very slight. We went to the doctor and he did an ultrasound and...a tiny flickering heartbeat. He said everything was fine, that spotting can be normal. I went home reassured. Another week goes by, and a little more bleeding. We went back to the doctor for another ultrasound. The baby was growing, and the heartbeat was strong. This happened twice more. Then, 11/29/2001 I started bleeding quite heavily. But I was convinced by now that everything was fine. After all, this baby had been developing on track, with a steady heartbeat. I even convinced Billy that he didn't need to go to the doctor with me this time, because everything was fine. The doctor started the ultrasound, and he didn't say a word for a few minutes...then he simply said, "I'm sorry." I remember hearing a heart wrenching scream, and wondering where it was coming from, before I realized that it was me. The nurse immediately took Natalie out of the room (I am grateful for that). The doctor kept looking, and said "I'm sorry. The heart is no longer beating." I just couldn't seem to comprehend this. I think I turned completely numb. The doctor started telling me my options....let the miscarriage happen naturally, or to go in and do a D&C. My brain, and my heart, could not deal with this right then. I remember having to leave the room with my 2 girls - Natalie was 4 and Emily was about 6 months) - and walk through that waiting room full of pregnant women. I felt so ashamed - like I had done something wrong. I went to pick up Billy from work, and when he asked me how the appointment went, I told him tearfully "the baby died!" I knew he was in shock...he kept saying over and over, "no, everything is fine. we'll go to another doctor." But, I knew. It was the hardest day of our lives.
This was our precious angel baby the day I found out she went to Heaven. I could see her precious head, her little hands up by her face, her little belly...but no flickering heartbeat.
I spent a long time asking God "why?? why me?? I wanted this baby SO much, how could He take her away from me?" I'll admit it, I was ANGRY at Him. But I turned to Scripture for answers. One that I came across was Ecclesiastes 11:5 "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Slowly I came to realize that God doesn't WANT things like this to happen, but He can see all things throughout all time, and there must be some reason, this little baby was not meant for Earth. What brought me comfort was knowing that some day I WILL see her again in Heaven.
Does the pain ease over time? Yes, it does...but, it will never completely go away. And November 29th is always a difficult day for me.
For those who have experienced miscarriage or infant loss, I recommend the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. She is the cowriter of the song you hear on this page.
Posted by Library Kary at 6:53 AM